Poetic me... #2

I am hurt! With a big H
And I know my H will cost me my Wild Tongue someday

Lot of people have been willing to cut it out...

They still are...
But I don't blame them.
I've been thinking of doing it myself so many times...

I am hurt! With a big H
And I know my H will cost me my Wild Tongue someday

Lot of people have been willing to cut it out...

They still are...
But I don't blame them.
I've been thinking of doing it myself so many times...

And my friend Margaret said something right on this day:

So as the process continuous improvement engineer that I am, while progress is being processed, I let my Heart speak.

Lettre pour mes Sœurs [Letter for my Sistas]

Please forgive me and join me in a moment of listening to my wounded heart...

You don't feel like reading all this? Watch and listen to my performance below instead ;-)

And ask yourself : WHAT KIND OF SISTA ARE YOU? 1, 2 or 3?

To you my Sista,

Who is hurt but choose to love me despite any hurt I might cause to you,

To you Clarisse, na tondi wa bouka beurre nia table <3 :p
I love you.

You are the reason why I withhold.
Your Love has taught me to love in return.
Your Love is the reason why I know that Truth as nothing to do with my age, my class, my gender, my race or my amazing anxiety generator overthinking (that generates anxiety to others more than to me actually)

Your resistance to the colonial state of mind that teaches us destructive competition among ourselves is my model of heroism..

Yes! You are my heroin
You are my favourite teacher. And I can only thank our Mother, l'Architectrice de la Vie*, for the amazing gift that she made me through you.

[*The woman architector of Life]

I wish I was able to show you my gratitude more often, because you do deserve it... Way more than you know.

<3 MIRRORS OF ONE ANOTHER: Don't hate me coz I'm Beautiful... because you are Beautiful too ;-) <3

And to you, all of my Sistas,

Who are hurt by me, then hurt me, then argue, then wait, then apologize...

Even before seeing my tears...
I love you!

Please keep showing me your Love...
I rely on it... I depend on it...
After my oxygen, it's probably my next priority on my own Maslow hierarchy of needs...

To you my Sista, 

Who is hurt but choose to hurt me as a result...

I love you too

I love you even though you keep pushing me away.

Truth is, I am hurt, and you might be too after reading this (though I hope you won't).

I am hurt that you keep pushing me away and don't face your fear to actually take my hand and be free...
I am hurt that work, rights and wrongs, bigger knowledge and excuses got the best of you
And prevent you from seeing me...
From seeing yourself.

Your sad self, your hurt self, your vulnerable self...
Your true self, beautiful and multiple...

Your colonial self, you loving feminist self...

Your powerful self. Not the destructive one though...
After all, I believe we are all mirrors of each other... I am hurt too... I have destroyed too...

Because I, as well, know the fear. I know what it is to have anxiety and trauma from constantly being hurt by people. I know how it feels to feel guilty for how you feel. I know how it feels to be hurt by people and constantly fight back to hide my vulnerable self. I know fragility too. I do.
How do I know it?

Because I am hurt by everyone I love almost 24/7. Because I keep offering my love and honesty to you but you keep pushing me away... You keep telling me:

Yet, you keep acting in the opposite direction and refuse to simply see me, touch me, hug me, feel me, hear me...

Talk to me!
Yes! Talk to me!
Truly connect with me...

As I am your Sister.
but as your Sister,
I am always alone. I am always begging for your love.
Begging...
Yes! Begging it is...

Look at me! Look at me crying while writing these words.
Because for some reason, even though I barely know you, I love you enough to face my fear and gather the few sparkles of emotional energy that I have left to tell you this :

Because it is You you are pushing away...

I really wish you could understand that your bad-being, your anxiety, your anger, your violence, your micro-agressions...
Your internalised racism, sexism, agism, classism and think-ism...

THESE WILL NEVER HURT ME MORE THAN YOUR INDIFFERENCE, DISHONESTY OR REJECTION.

When you are used to so few honest interactions, so few opportunities of just enjoying people for who they truly are, so few actual love interactions with people...
You learn how to take people's bad-being... actually, you even appreciate it,
because it is almost the only way you can get sparkles of true connection with others...

But incoherent behaviours, words that don't match actions, are to me what kryptonite is to Supergirl.

They literally kill me by the minute...

And yet... I evolved. I created H to teach myself how to stop suffering from other's dishonesty as much as from my own,
and it's working.
I have been shown LOVE when I was in Paris. I have been shown HONESTY when I was in Paris.
I have been supported, with no cost to pay at the end of the transaction. It was not perfect, but it was way better than what I used to have.

And I love you, I would be really sad to finally reach that point where I accept that we are not actually sisters.

But you keep pushing me away, and refusing to honestly talk to me...
Yet I am a real human being, I actually connect with people through my 5 senses...

I am a real human being, when I feel rejected I leave.

Because my heart too has limits.

There is only a certain amount of rejection you can take.

And I can assure you that as a young, woman, proletarian...

Who thinks and openly speaks differently, added to my sublime chocolate brown skin...

I have been and keep being subject to a lot of rejection on a daily basis...

The more time goes by, the least I can afford to have people that make me suffer from their pain... 

Rather than sharing it with me so as we can help healing each other...
I just can't afford it anymore!

I know you are doing your best. I know we all have different rhythms... that is why I am honest about my own rhythm, because I am looking for true co-creative sisters, to share the effort together...

As there is no way I can do this on my own.

But I hope you read me right. This is not a door closing message. It is just another opportunity to take a real decisive step in your healing process, and in mine... An opportunity to overcome one of your biggest fear:

I am not the oppressor or anybody else but your Sista...

Yet you invested way more, way too much in him.

That is something I have meant to tell you forever... So I hope we will be able to discuss it face to face one day...

And yet, I know that I am powerful... And that I am feared...
By the White Man
By the Black Man
Even by the White Woman...

But by you
my colour-less Sista
my gender-less Sista
my class-less Sista
my age-less Sista
my open-minded Sista
my oppressed Sista
By you, I am hurt.

Because you,
I LOVE YOU <3

Tell me what YOU think about that, and comment below...

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